BACKGROUND

As part of my narrative development work, I have previously done two self-portraits as metaphors that reflected my transcultural lived experiences – an image of them is at the bottom of this blog. These self-portraits are a combination of two different creatures reflecting the conflicts that I experience at times within my mind.

Self-Portrait #3: The Owl-sparrow

Finished painting simulated with frame:

Finished painting, unframed – oil on paper, size 51×41 cm

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METHOD

This is the third painting of this kind that I have done so I am working with a familiar process. Firstly, I consider the creatures that metaphorically represent the two sides of my conflicting feelings. Then I research images of the chosen creatures online – I usually have in mind the posture that I want for the painting which helps to narrow down the images that I choose. I then use paper cutting as a way to combine the creatures so that the image overall makes sense anatomically. Then I chalk the outline and block in the colours in oil. At this stage, I also decide on the finer details of the facial features, e.g. mouth open or closed etc..

As I paint, I start to consider the background colours:

Recently, I have started using my iPhone to colour in the background so I can easily make changes and experiment. In this case, I chose a light green for the oval background and a darker green for the mount.

Once the creature was complete, the background was painted.

I was not happy with the mount colour above, hence I returned to my iPhone to try out other colours:

Having chosen orange on the iPhone simulation, I did not like the effect when I started painting the mount because I felt the natural colours of the bird and the bright background were not well harmonised.

In the end, I settled for raw sienna for the mount which I was satisfied with. However, I was not happy with the green background because the brightness over dominated the bird.

I changed the bright green background to a light sage colour and below was the final outcome.

Different picture frames were tried with the image to give it a finished portrait look:

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REFLECTIONS

The idea for this portrait came about as a result of a question that I was asked during the first ‘accountability 3’ session. I was asked what I thought of HK nowadays. I always feel a sense of awkwardness and my pulse quickens when I am asked to comment about HK. This has been the case for many years since the early 1990s when it was clear that HK would be handed over in 1997. Since I’m from HK, I believe there is an expectation that I would say something insightful. However, to be truthful, I never know what to say because I left HK in 1980 and have not lived there since. Although I have been back for the occasional holiday once every few years, I did not and do not feel in any way qualified to make any sensible comments. I do not like expressing opinions without facts that I can trust. All the information about the HK situation that I know would have come from the media which I believe to be biased as all press from all sides tend to be. I don’t have means of getting up-to-date first hand experience there which makes me feel helpless. As a result, there is a void of knowledge that I subconsciously didn’t want to acknowledge because acknowledging that would mean acknowledging the distance between me and my heritage. Perhaps there is also the ‘insider or outsider’ feeling. Many years ago, when I was asked the HK question, I had given the answer ‘I don’t know what will happen in Bristol tomorrow, why would I know what will happen to HK in x years’ time?’ I know that reply was not so friendly. I guess I was tired of waffling again and again to sound knowledgeable whilst feeling like an outsider from all sides.

I had never given this matter much thought until I was asked about HK recently during the ‘accountability 3’ discussion. It prompted me to reflect deeper why I always felt awkward with those types of questions. I wanted to do a painting to capture those thoughts and use the making process to help explore my feelings.

So I did another self-portrait. I painted an owl with the face of a sparrow. The owl symbolises wisdom and knowledge meaning that my appearance makes people think I should have insight, but when I speak, I can only be a sparrow. I use a sparrow as a metaphor for me as a child because when I was growing up in HK, I remember always seeing small tree sparrows on the balcony of my parents’ apartment. Hence I use that to represent me as a child.

I did the painting over three days and I was able to explore the above thoughts to gain some personal insight.

LEARNING

It has been a useful reflection process.

<<To be completed>>

NEXT STEPS

<<To be completed>>

Previous Self-portraits: