loss

MA U3: ‘Grief is the thing with feathers’ – Painting

| elizarawlings

BACKGROUND

Continuing with my exploration of the grief and sense of loss that I feel about the change in world order, I have decided to make some paintings with crows inspired by the book ‘Grief is the thing with feathers’ by Max Porter. The use of newspaper as a canvas for painting as I have done here was first inspired by William Kentridge’s work that I saw at his exhibition at the RA in 2022, where he made some monumental drawings on printed materials. Some examples below:

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I have recently seen an exhibition by Barbara Walker where she used printed documents extensively in her work. Below are some examples of her use of newspapers:

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Walker uses newspapers with content that directly links to her subject matter of social injustices whereas Kentridge is more subtle and often you cannot easily read the printed text in his work although I have read in the description of his work that there is always relevance in the text.

METHOD

Since my studio is out-of-action at the moment due to building work, I have set up a temporary studio in a different room and I am using Chinese ink on paper instead of my usual oil paint on canvas because of the limited facility that I have.

Learning from the crow drawings that I did with my non-dominant hand, I decided to use my non-dominant hand for the paintings here. Below are the paintings on Chinese rice paper, all A4 size done with my non-dominant hand except the one with the crow sticking out its tongue – that was done with my dominant hand for comparison.

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Then I decided to paint on a newspaper and I chose The Financial Times because it is one of the few newspapers that I can bear to read given my general frustrations with the biases in the news media. I have painted on the FT in the past and found the ’45 gsm salmon newsprint’ paper absorbency to be at a level that responded well to Chinese ink. I also like the salmon colour against the black Chinese ink. All three paintings below were mostly done with my non-dominant hand with some details such as the shape of the beak and the claws done with my dominant hand.

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Below is a video clip that I made using Instagram:

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Below is a crow painting on a double page spread of the newspaper where the previous ones were on a single page. The page here was chosen for the photograph of the chickens (about egg prices in the USA) with the painted crow looking in and one of the chickens staring back:

Below is the painting held up to the light:

REFLECTIONS

I have enjoyed developing a new process for painting on the newspapers. I find the paper works well with the Chinese ink, not overly absorbent and has enough material integrity to stay intact even if it gets very wet.

I have continued to enjoy painting with my non-dominant hand as the brush strokes were more expressive with less control. During the painting process, I constantly asked myself which hand I should use, e.g. with the more detailed work such as the curvature of the beak where more control was required, or highlighting the white in the eyeball, then I switch to my dominant hand for those details. I wanted to use as much of my non-dominant hand as possible because I prefer the marks made and it was a good metaphor for the helplessness I and many people feel about the world events at the moment.

Part of the process of this way of making involves buying a newspaper, something that I haven’t done for a long time since I mostly read the news online/on my phone nowadays. I enjoy the physicality of opening and turning the news pages, then reading the printed text and selecting the pages with headlines that stir me in some way.

Examining the newspaper so closely also reminded me of my early engineering career when I worked extensively on automating newspaper printing presses for Fleet Street as well as local newspapers with ‘cutting edge technology’ for that time period of the early 1990s using fibre optic based digitally synchronised ‘electronic line shaft’ control systems. The presses were enormous and ran at very high speed. It was exhilarating to work on those projects and machines especially as a young engineer. Decades later, I am now studying newsprint closely again for a different purpose – I used to scrutinise the print registration of the colours (poor registration would cause ghosting) and I would respond to the results by varying the control parameters for correction. Now I scrutinise the news content and respond by painting on the newspaper. I can say that the former was a lot easier – I felt completely in control of what was happening. Whereas I rarely feel in control of my painting process and I continue to feel zero control over what is happening in the world – all I can do is to read about them in the newspapers. This has become an interesting juxtaposition of my relationship with newspapers over the decades.

As I work more and more on these newspaper paintings, I have become calmer compared to when I first started as I have documented in some of my earlier blogs about voicelessness and going through the grief curve. I wonder if this is because the world situation has improved (no), or I have become desensitised by the constant revelations of world disasters (possibly) or having a way to respond to and express myself through paintings on the newspapers has given me a route to release my anger therefore making me feel that I am doing something about it. I think definitely ‘yes’ to the latter point, the painting process has certainly helped me to channel my thoughts and feelings.

LEARNING

I have developed a new process of painting on newspapers as a way to respond to what’s happening in the world. I have continued to use crows as a symbol of the grief that I feel about the loss of or change in world order. Working with newspapers reminded me of how my relationship with newspapers has changed over the decades since I was a young engineer. I feel this is the beginning of an exploration and I want to continue and do more because it gives me a way to respond to the world at the moment.

One point that I discussed with my tutor was how I ‘held the newspaper up to the light’ as an accidental discovery when I stuck the newspaper paintings to the glass window for photographing. It is a good metaphor for ‘exposing’ the news and also the light shining through the other side of the print revealed additional images therefore making the overall composition more ambiguous.

NEXT STEPS

Continue to make more paintings in this way to explore, to develop my ideas and the process.

Experiment with holding the painted newspaper to a light or lamp to see how it could work as an indoor installation.

MA U3: ‘Grief is the thing with feathers’ – Drawing

| elizarawlings

After reflecting on my practice and how I am feeling about the world at the moment, I have decided to express my grief through my art. I was very touched by the book ‘Grief is the thing with feathers’ and the author describes a crow that comes to visit as a metaphor for grief. So for the time being, I am going to work with crows and feathers.

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METHOD

When rethinking and reflecting on my practice, I realised that drawing was a comforting process for me so I started with some drawings of crows. I decided to draw with my left/non-dominant hand because:

– I enjoy it because I feel energised by the feeling of not being fully in control in my making;

– I want the mark making to be more loose and expressive which I find easier to achieve with my non-dominant hand;

– The feeling of not being in control is a good metaphor for how I feel about the change in world order at the moment.

Another reason for drawing crows was to study their faces and anatomy as preparation for future work. Below are some crow drawings made with my non-dominant hand:

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I then made one in Chinese ink but with my right/dominant hand:

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Two study drawings of crow feathers with my dominant hand:

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As I was drawing the feathers, I thought about making an installation with feathers. I thought of a crow feathers curtain reflecting my obscured view as a result of the grief I feel at the moment. Below are my sketches about this idea:

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Then I returned to more crow drawings:

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REFLECTIONS

I have enjoyed the drawings and indeed found the process comforting. I liked the outcome of the non-dominant hand drawings but was not so happy with the Chinese ink painting made with my dominant hand. The latter came out too neat and didn’t have the energy of the non-dominant hand drawings. This was an outcome that I expected and remain deeply frustrated about – I just cannot seem to achieve the same looseness with my dominant hand. I think I have to accept that and consider how I use both of my hands in different situations to create different effects. But I am concerned that as my non-dominant hand becomes dominant through practice then it would lose that ‘magic’. I know I am overthinking now and I shall deal with it as I go along.

I have thought a lot about the idea of the ‘grief curtain’ installation. I have researched the materials to be used, such as a chain curtain, a walk-through frame to hand the curtain and also where to source crow feathers. The latter in particular is an area that I am not familiar with at all. During the low residency week, one of my course mates suggested an artist for me to look at:

https://katemccgwire.com/

MccGwire is well known for her sculptures made of feathers. I will take more time to research and study her work.

LEARNING

This is the start of a set of new work as a result of rethinking my practice after my recent tutorial where we discussed how I was feeling about the drastic change in world order. I have chosen grief as a topic to reflect the sense of loss that I feel. I have chosen crows and feathers as a way to express the grief inspired by the book ‘Grief is the thing with feathers’. I started with drawings as a form of comfort as I ‘ease’ into this new exploration for my practice.

The drawings have confirmed that I prefer the expressive mark making done by my left hand and remain frustrated with the neatness of my right hand! Thinking about which hand to use for which part of my making adds complexity but it’s a new way of thinking and making that I think I will enjoy.

This is a start and I will continue to explore the topic. I am still interested in the ‘grief curtain’ concept and will keep it in my ‘ideas bank’ for now.

NEXT STEPS

Make more work and don’t overthink.

Research the artist Kate MccGwire.

MA U3: Rethinking and reflecting on my practice

| elizarawlings

BACKGROUND

During my recent tutorial, we discussed how the world events are affecting how I felt about my art practice. The change in world order made me not want to do bright and colourful paintings like my recent Family Dinner paintings as they now seemed frivolous with the destructions going on. I also talked about my sense of helplessness as an artist. Therefore, I am in the stage of reconsidering my practice – what do I want it to be about? I have always positioned my art practice as about identity exploration, starting with my personal identity and I started (chronologically) from my childhood in Hong Kong (e.g. the Cheongsam and Family Dinners etc.).

REFLECTIONS

– The feeling of ‘Voicelessness’ as an artist – see separate blog. I think I have worked through that one for now. Briefly – I believe my choice of being an artist (vs my previous position as a business leader within a commercial organisation) gives me much more freedom but with an unknown and unpredictable audience as there is no defined platform for communication. So having reflected on that, I do really value the freedom of voice that I have now. I just need to work out what to do with it.

MA U3: Voicelessness… or is it?

– How to deal with the current feelings of despair for the change in world order? I can’t ignore it but I don’t want to directly confront it in my art practice because I would risk ranting and being too in-your-face rather than communicating and expressing sensitively and intelligently.

– So I thought about satire and actually went through the process of creating character metaphors that I would use ( one is a turkey eating French fries and the other a loaf of cheap white bread) but I decided against satire because it would require me to closely study those characters which I don’t want to do as I need to preserve my sanity.

After much thinking and reflecting, I decided to focus on how I feel instead which is anger, heartbreak and grief. Grief for the loss of a world order with values that I understood. It was not perfect at all but there was at least an established sense of right and wrong (usually according to the law); where helping the needed was applauded. I grieve for the loss of all that and more. I grieve for all the vulnerable people who will suffer even more or lose their lives and I grieve for those who have made it their mission to help but are now suddenly left helpless and scrambling for themselves. I am not against change and efficiently, but the destructive way of execution has been brutal – unnecessarily.

I am likening my feelings and others that I know who are going through the ‘world order change process’ as going through the Kubler-Ross grief cycle.

Diagram extracted from:

https://www.healthcentral.com/condition/depression/stages-of-grief

I find myself oscillating around Anger, Bargaining and Depression depending on what new (and shocking) information comes to light on a particular day. But unlike grieving for the loss of a loved one, I feel it’s not acceptable to reach acceptance which is a problem because I am therefore stuck in the perpetual grief cycle until ‘the show is over’.

So I decided to use my art practice to express the grief that I am feeling. I know (and hope) that it is just a temporary state because I believe I am a naturally optimistic person and I want to return to feeling hopeful about the future of humankind.

I remember the book ‘Grief is the thing with feathers’ by Max Porter where a father and two young boys grieved for the death of their lost wife/mother. Grief was portrayed as a crow. The short novel was written creatively in a way that helped me to picture the crow vividly. Inspired by the novel, I want to do something with crows and feathers in my art practice to express the grief I’m feeling right now for the world.

Other reasons for choosing crows:

– They are intelligent (compared to other bird species and mammals) but ‘voiceless’ as they can only caw (according to the human ears). I feel that is a good metaphor for how I feel as a ‘voiceless’ artist and perhaps how many artists feel in the world right now.

– Crow feathers are interesting in colour and texture. I want to explore further in my art making.

– I have always been fascinated by crows and they were once the subject of a personal project in my Chinese painting practice. So somehow I feel a connection with them.

LEARNING

So what does it all mean for my art practice?

It would be useful to think about ‘the fluid circle’ that was discussed during my tutorial – I go in and out of a fluid circle depending on how able I feel in responding to the world events.

– Inside the circle is retreat mode – coming inside the circle to hide from the world and have time-out. When I’m in that mode, I want to work on things that are simpler or more familiar for comfort. I can do drawings which I find comforting, or explore photography and the new objectivity approach to give relief through working with facts and an established process; letting the process take control momentarily.

– Outside the circle is confront mode – where reality is faced and dealt with. It could be energising but likely to be draining. The most useful and manageable thing to work on there right now is dealing with that feeling of grief and work out how to channel that into my work. Therefore I have been thinking about doing art with crows and feathers.

Is this a deviation from my main practice? I have been thinking about this a lot. If my practice is about identity, then I believe reflecting on one’s state of mind is a key part of that identity exploration. So having done much thinking about this, I feel comfortable that what I am doing here remains part of my soul searching – just instead of exploring the past (my heritage), I am exploring the ‘right here’ and ‘right now’ for me.

What about the Cheongsam dresses? I have had such positive feedback from my MA course mates during the low residency week that I feel I should do some more with the dresses especially for the degree show. Perhaps make a dress with crow feathers? Many Cheongsam dresses are decorated with dragons and phoenix, so perhaps a crow instead?

NEXT STEPS

– Just make art depending on how I feel in the moment. Do something with crows and feathers to release and express the grief as well as create time to think about the future.

– Keep thinking about what else I can do with feathers, perhaps Cheongsam dresses and possible installations.

– Give space and time for the thinking.

ADDITIONAL NOTES – CONSIDERATIONS FOR MY STUDY STATEMENT

Here is my original study statement:

https://eliza-rawlings.com/2024/02/03/ma-y1-study-statement-eliza-rawlings/

Since I am rethinking my practice, I revisited my Study Statement to see how my new exploration proposed here would impact my planned study. I feel that my Methodology and the Outcomes would remain unchanged. My aims and objectives were strongly focused on transculturalism and the work proposed here (exploring my currently feeling of grief and loss of world order) would not fall into that topic. However, within my Study Statement, my main goal was to explore my identity and I believe exploring my current state of mind falls well within that – it is all part of me and my lived experience. In my Statement, I also referred to wanting to expand my practice to explore wider societal issues including feminism and power structures – I believe my response to the current global political situations falls within this remit. To incorporate the new exploration into my study, I should consider adding some new ‘aims and objectives’ to ensure I remain on track with my study goals.

After reflecting on the overall work plan, I believe it remains valid and on track. One of the key aims of my study was to find convergence in my practice with the parallel development of my narrative and style that I started the course with. I believe I have achieved that (or at least have found a way to achieve it) in my Cheongsam series of work and I had written in my blog at the time stating that I was delighted to have found a way to converge the two strands through the Cheongsam dress canvases. Therefore I believe there is room in Unit 3 to accommodate an additional set of aims and objectives that have now become pressing for me.

NEXT STEPS

Consider additional aims and objectives for the newly proposed exploration.

COMPLETED ADDITIONAL OBJECTIVES

The following two pages have been added to my Study Statement: